Choices
by Joyce3
Summary: Sara makes a choice that will affect the rest of her life. WS and a bit of SG. The last chapter is up.
1. Making a new start

Author: Joyce

Title: Choices

Disclaimer: They are not mine.

Timeline: The beginning of season four. It's AU.

Note: I'm back with a new Swarrick story. This is actually different from what I've written before. It's going to be a story that is 3 chapters long and it lacks the fluff that you can find in my other stories. The third chapter will involve a character death and this story will not have a happy ending. I'm planning on writing a larger story after this one that will be as fluffy and happy as usual but I needed to get this story out of my head first. I do hope you guys like reading it. Please, tell me what you think. Writing angst is a whole new thing for me and I would love to hear your opinions.

Making a new start

Sara Sidle had never been the person to listen to rumors and people in the lab knew that. They usually avoided her when it concerned gossip but today the lab was buzzing and Sara had to admit to herself that she was a bit curious about the source of all the commotion. Sighing to herself she decided that for once she would let herself join the gossip. After all, she was a CSI and CSI's had a unhealthy hunger for truth. She was just searching for the truth she told herself. That was why Sara found herself lingering in Greg's lab somewhat longer while the younger man didn't look at her anymore, convinced that he had told her everything she needed to know.

"So," Sara began, "what's new in the lab?"

She cursed herself for her clumsy way of asking but Greg looked at her immediately, a glint in his eyes that told her that he couldn't wait to tell her the news.

"Have you heard?" he said with excitement, looking around in a exaggerated matter before he whispered. "Warrick is transferring to the day shift, apparently Ecklie had great fun in stealing Grissom's favorite away. Some of us saw him walking around in the halls like a proud rooster who had just scored with the prettiest chick in the hen."

Sara shook her head to clear it, looking at the lab tech in shock. "Are you sure?" she asked him and he nodded. "It's a done deal."

Turning around she mumbled something to Greg that sounded like a greeting and then she was running trough the lab, trying to find him. She found him in one of the quieter labs, located in the back of the building and she stormed in, not even bothering to knock.

"Were you planning on telling me?" she hissed and he looked up, an indifferent expression on his face.

"Tell you what?" he asked her while looking back at his evidence.

"You," she continued, frustrated by the lack of attention he was giving her, "becoming Ecklie's new pet in the day shift."

He kept his eyes fixed on the evidence under his microscope. "Why should that bother you?" he asked her coldly. "It's not like you ever cared."

She was silent, just watching him. "Did I really hurt you that much?" she asked him and he looked at her then, a scowl on his face.

"No, Sidle," he retorted, "I like it when people use me and toss me away when they're done. It's a blast, you should try it sometimes."

"I never used you," she whispered and he laughed while shaking his head. "Whatever, if that thought makes you sleep at night then go right ahead and believe just that," he said to her, his anger gone and replaced by his earlier unreadable expression. "Just go, I'm sure Griss needs you."

"But, Warrick," she tried one last time, reaching out and grabbing his hand and he pulled back like she burned him, a look of rage in his eyes.

"Don't touch me," he ordered her, "don't you _ever_ touch me again."

"I'm sorry," she said, tears in her eyes and he just watched her. Not trying to stop her from crying, making no move to comfort her.

"Get out," was all he said and she turned around, defeated.

"I'll miss you," she mumbled and she looked back, hoping to see some of the warmth she had missed so much. She found nothing.

"I'm sure Grissom will make you forget all about me," he told her, walking back to his seat and considering the conversation over.

"I had to give him a chance, Rick," she said, lingering in the doorway.

"I know," he commented, letting her see how much he was hurting for the first time since she entered his lab. "You seem to owe him something that no amount of love that I gave you could ever replace."

"You don't get it," she said, hesitantly taking a step forward and she flinched when he got up and distanced himself from her.

"Get out," he told her again, his back to her and she did, trying very much to keep her tears inside while she ran to the break room.

Back in his lab, Warrick sighed and rubbed his head in a tired manner, angry by the fact that she had gotten to him yet again.

"Are you ok, bro?" he heard behind him and he turned around to see Nick in his lab.

"I'll be fine," he answered shortly, not wanting to talk about it but Nick had no intention to let his friend hurt on his own.

"Cutting her out of your life won't help," he said simply, hoping that he would be able to talk some sense in his friend this time.

"It has to," Warrick told him stubbornly. "I can't do this anymore, I can't walk in every night and see her with him. Knowing that they are a couple now but also knowing that I can't say anything because to the outside world they are just Sara and Grissom, two people who work together. It's to damn hard."

"She's not happy with him, Rick," Nick said in a matter of fact kind of way. "Not like she was with you, I know. I'm the only one who saw you two together, she loved you."

"She _dumped _me," Warrick yelled, "when he finally showed interest in her, she just dumped me. She packed up her things and left me because she needed to get him out of her system. I gave her two years of my life, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and she walked out because Grissom woke up and realized what he had missed all along. "

"She made a mistake, bro," Nick said before he walked out of the lab. "Let her try to make it up to you."

He stopped when Warrick called his name.

"I don't want her to make it up to me," he sighed, "Don't you see that? She picked him over me and there is nothing that she can do that will make that fact go away. I just want her out of my life," he finished and Nick finally saw the hurt and the anger that his friend had repressed for so long.

"But you love her," Nick stated and Warrick nodded. "Just as much as I hate her," he confessed. "I need to do this, Nicky. I need to start living again. Please, just support me."

Nick walked back into the lab and hugged his friend. "You know I'll always have you back I just want what's best for you."

The taller man frowned before he allowed his friend to hug him. "When will it stop hurting?" he asked him and Nick released him, smiling a little.

"When you are ready for it," he answered. "You'll make it, I know you will."

Warrick grinned, the first hint of a smile that Nick had seen since Sara had left him weeks ago. "Thanks, man."

"Anytime," Nick replied before he disappeared in the halls of the lab and Warrick turned back to his work to be interrupted by Ecklie ten minutes later.

"Me and Grissom just agreed that you transfer tomorrow," he informed him. "Are you sure you're ready?"

Warrick just nodded, a look a determination in his eyes.

"I'm ready," he told him without hesitation.

Tbc...


	2. To little, to late

Author: Joyce

Title: Choices

Disclaimer: Nope, they are still not mine and if they really were...I would never make them this sad.

Note: Thank you all for the huge response to the first chapter. This story is flowing so easily, this is the first time that a story won't leave me alone until I write it. There is one more chapter to come that is almost finished so this story should be done by the end of the week. I don't want to torture you guys with angst for to long so one more chapter to go and that's it! Then I'll happily go back to my fluff. I hope you guys tell me what you think.

To little, to late

3 years later…

"Can you believe this?" Greg asked Hodges in the locker room and the lab tech shook his head in a bored manner, not really all that interested in the latest thing that Greg couldn't believe.

"Nope," he answered his co-worker with a yawn, "I always thought that Grissom would be the one to turn out the lights in this place..."

"I can't believe he just left," Greg mumbled, still shaking his head in amazement. "I wonder if Sara had anything to do with it," he pondered. "Grissom seemed to take their break up hard."

"Pfff," Hodges declared with a frown and a wave of his hand, "He should be over that by now, it was over a year ago. If you ask me, the man was just tired of us all. This lab, the people _and_ his ex-girlfriend still working here."

"Maybe," the younger CSI mused, "I wonder who will be the new chief in town. Especially since Cath took over the swing shift. You think Nicky is up for it?"

"Who knows," Hodges said with a look in his eyes that indicated that he didn't care all that much. "It's just a new boss, I'm sure it will work out."

Greg grinned.

"You mean you'll suck up to our new boss no matter who it is?" he asked him and Hodges smiled with a nod. "Damn straight."

Behind them Nick cleared his throat and both men were startled, causing the senior CSI to smile a bit.

"You can rest assured, gossip queens," he told the pair, "Nicky is not going to be your new boss."

Greg raised his eyebrows and looked at the other two in the room.

"Do you think that maybe Sara..."

"Nope," a female voice entered the conversation and Sara stepped out from behind a row of lockers, "Not me either, I highly doubt that Grissom recommended me."

They all just nodded at that, none of them to keen to enter a conversation that involved Sara's relationship with her ex-boss.

"So," Hodges drawled, "That means there's a new player in town."

"Not really," a familiar voice answered and the door of the room opened to reveal Warrick Brown standing behind it. "Just an old player coming back. I guess Conrad got tired of me telling him what to do all the time and so he send me here to order you guys around. Ain't life grand sometimes?" he finished with a smile on his face, purposely avoiding the eyes of the only female in the room.

"You?" Nick asked with a laugh, "You will take over the night shift as supervisor?"

Warrick shrugged. "Why not?" he said with a grin. "Griss always said I was his favorite and apparently he recommended me."

"Congrats, man," Nick answered, generally happy about the turn of events. "I'm sure you'll do great." He gestured to the other men in the room. "C'mon, drama queens, we still have a case to crack."

Both Greg and Hodges followed him out of the room, talking excitedly about their new boss and how they couldn't wait to tell everybody while Warrick watched them go with a smile on his face. Knowing that he had missed them.

Meanwhile Sara hadn't moved from her spot since he had entered the room, to shocked to say or do anything. She hadn't talked to him for over three years now, she sometimes saw him coming of shift and disappearing into his car but those brief glimpses were all that she had now. She lived for those moments because sometimes he would look at her and even though it would only be a small glance she still felt vibrant and happy. In those brief moments she was finally able to forget about those long years in which she felt heartbroken and stupid.

"I never expected you to come back," she eventually said and his green eyes turned to her, looking at her in a relaxed matter.

"Yeah, life is full of surprises," he said casually and he turned around and wanted to walk away when she stopped him, placing her hand on his arm. He shivered and brushed her hand off him, turning back to her slowly.

"Don't" Warrick told her, his cool charade fading, "Just, _don't_."

"I missed you," she said, taking a chance and she saw a flicker of pain and anger in his eyes.

"I'm sure you have," was his response, "When did you miss me exactly, during or after your two year fling with Grissom?" He hated the fact that he sounded as frustrated as he did three years ago and she shuffled her feet to hide her guilt and looked to the ground.

"I made a mistake," she mumbled, not knowing what else to say. "I know that it's way to late and that it won't fix anything but I made a mistake. I could never love him like I loved you, no matter how hard I tried."

"Don't you dare tell me that you loved me," he hissed and she looked up at him, shocked to see the same rage in his eyes that she had seen three years ago, like the pain was still fresh.

She shook her head, "I'm sorry," she said, "I can't do that, I can't pretend, Rick. I love you, I never stopped loving you."

He turned away from her and she saw the tension in his shoulders, the barely constrained anger. "You stopped loving me the day you walked out on me," he whispered.

"I'm going to fight for you," she told him, hoping that he would allow her to do just that. "I should have done that years ago but I was stupid and afraid. Not anymore though, I love you and I know that some small part of you still loves me."

He turned around, his eyes closed and taking short, quick breaths.

"It's to late," he told her while showing her his hand. "I got married a year ago."

He watched her blink in shock and blinked himself, not getting why she was so surprised. "You didn't know?" he asked her and she just shook her head and sank down on the bench behind her, blinking back her tears. In that moment Warrick remembered that Sara Sidle never listened to gossip, a fact that hadn't changed over the years.

"What's her name?" she finally asked him and he had a loving smile on his face when he answered her. "Maddie, she's a doctor and she's...she's wonderful."

"Do you love her like you loved me?" he heard her whisper and his anger returned.

"You have no right to ask me that," he told her forcefully. "We're...you and me, we're nothing now, we have been nothing for a long time. I'm your boss and you work for me, that's it. Don't ask me that again."

She shook her head and stood up, standing in front of him and making no move to stop her tears from falling.

"Do you love her like you loved me?" Sara said stubbornly and Warrick took a step in her direction, hovering above her in a way that was almost threatening.

"Stop it, Sara," he told her with a voice that she hardly recognized and she flinched because she had been the one to inflict all this pain on him. That didn't stop her from wanting to know the truth however.

"Answer the question!" she almost screamed, really crying now. "Just tell me, Rick. Do you love her like you loved me?"

"No!" he desperately shouted back at her. "Are you happy now? I don't love her like I loved you. I could _never_ love anybody like I loved you. Not even when I hate you as much as I do."

His outburst shocked her and she took a step away from him, wanting nothing more then to reach out and comfort him but she knew that she had no right to do that, he would never let her.

"But you know what," he said more calmly, "I do love her, she's smart and kind and she never betrayed me. I _trust_ her."

"Unlike me," she mumbled and he just nodded, to tired to say anything. "I'm sorry," she continued. "I...never mind...just be happy with her."

"I will," Warrick assured her and he hesitated. "She's pregnant," he blurted out and a large part of him hated himself for the way she closed her eyes in pain while the other part shouted in joy for giving her some of the pain that she had given him when she had walked out of his life.

"Congratulations," she eventually said with a shaky smile. "On both your new job and becoming a father."

"Thank you," she heard him reply and he had already opened the door when she gave it one last shot. "She will never be me," Sara told him in a whisper and Warrick stopped and closed his eyes, wishing that he could stop loving her, wishing that he didn't care that she was hurting because of him.

He looked back at her and allowed himself to see the woman he would always love without his usual feelings of hate disturbing his vision of her and for a small amount of time it suddenly didn't hurt as much and she was just his Sara. Like she would always be.

"That's her curse," he admitted, giving her a small smile, the first one that he had given her in three long years and for a brief moment she was alive again, even if it was just for a couple of seconds. "It's also her blessing," he finished and he walked out of the room, walked away from her. Sara remained on her spot, motionless and utterly alone.

Tbc...


	3. The last goodbye

Author: Joyce

Title: Choices

Disclaimer: Not mine. Really, they are not.

Note: First off, it really wasn't my intention to turn Sara into the bad guy, eh...woman in this story. Yes, she has made a mistake but in the end she's just human and she's paid for her mistakes. She just misses Warrick and would do anything to get him back, chapter two was about that feeling of desperation and not about her being a bitch, as some of you have said.There, I defended my girl.

Secondly, I'm sorry for this chapter, I promise that this will be a one time thing. Writing this chapter was extremely difficult and I will not be doing it again. I am strangely proud of this story however, it was the hardest one to write but I do feel like it's the best thing I've written so far. But, for my own good and yours, my next story will be as fluffy and happy as always. Thank you all for reading this and please, let me know what you think. I really, really want to know this time. So review! That's an order...

The last goodbye

3 years later...

A single bullet. She had processed thousands of them and never once thought that only _one_ of them could take him out but it had. It had taken a single bullet to drain the life out of him. A single bullet, shot in a microsecond, had took away the only man she had ever loved. Something that small should not be able to kill a man that strong, that kind, with so much love to give but it had and Sara still had trouble accepting that fact. After three days, in which all she saw was that bullet racing towards him, she still couldn't believe it.

But she was standing here and she was watching them from a distance. Greg, who looked serious for once, staring at the ground while trying desperately not to cry. Nick, who didn't even pretend not to cry, mourning his best friend openly. She even saw Grissom, back from LA, mourning the man who had been like a son to him and with whom he had shared a love for the same woman. Catherine was standing next to him, she and Lindsey supporting each other. She recognized at lot of people, she figured that almost the whole lab was there.

In the center of the crowd stood Maddie, the woman she had never seen before because Sara avoided gatherings where he would take his wife, she couldn't stand to watch them together but now she couldn't keep her eyes of the woman. Couldn't shake the fact that while they looked nothing alike they shared the same pain. They had both lost him.

Maddie was holding her little daughter, a gorgeous two years old, who had the green eyes of her daddy and couldn't understand why her mummy was crying. Just like she didn't understand that her father was being lowered into the ground while all his loved ones said goodbye to him.

Greg was the first one to leave a single white rose on the coffin, saying his farewell and soon they all followed. She saw Nick speak while he lowered his rose to the ground but she couldn't make out what he was saying, he was probably promising his friend that he would take care of his family. Lastly his wife stood in front of his coffin, leaving two single white roses on his grave while Nick stayed behind holding Warrick's daughter and supporting the grief stricken woman. Together they made their way to the black limousines that would take them all away from him.

She stayed in her hiding place until they were long gone before she came out and into sight, making her way towards his grave with little steps, a large part of her not wanting to see it because that would make it real. Seeing his grave would mean that he was really gone.

When she reached the grave she watched it for a long time, reading the inscription on his tombstone.

_Warrick Brown, 1973- 2010 _

_Beloved father and husband _

_A great friend_

Sara smiled while she read it before she lowered herself to the ground, sitting before his grave on her knees and adding her own line. " The love of my life," she whispered and she traced his name with her fingers, letting herself cry for the first time since she had heard the news.

"You were not supposed to leave me," she yelled in the quiet cemetery. "It's not fair," she mumbled before her crying turned into sobbing and she remembered the last time that he had visited her.

* * *

_Flashback, several weeks before_

_Sara was sitting in front of her TV when there was a knock on her door. Getting up she expected to see Greg there, or maybe Nick, but not Warrick, never Warrick._

"_Rick," she said, surprised by him standing on her doorstep, a place he hadn't visited for six years now. "Is everything ok? Did somebody get hurt?" Her question wasn't out of the ordinary, they never talked about anything personal, not since that talk in the locker room when he had returned to the night shift as their new supervisor. A job that turned out to be made for him.Warrick was a fair boss and never afraid to work just as hard as the rest of them._

"_Nobody is hurt," he said and he looked around, almost like he was still debating if he did the right thing by coming here._

"_Do you want to come in?" she asked him hesitantly, having dreamt of moments similar to this one many times before but not knowing what to do now that he was here._

"_Ok," he mumbled, stepping into her familiar home that hadn't changed a bit since he used to spend all his time here. "It looks the same," he observed, a look of surprise on his face and she shrugged._

"_I lost so much that I didn't want to lose the only place that still felt like home to me," she explained and he nodded, silent now._

"_Why are you here, Rick?" she questioned and for a while it seemed like he hadn't even heard her question._

"_Why can't you leave me alone?" he asked her after a long moment of silence, "I try, I try so hard but you never leave me alone," he finished._

_"I give you space," she commented, "I never talk to you unless I have to, I do everything that you asked me to do when you came back. I accepted your marriage, your daughter. Don't tell me I don't give you space."_

"_It's not you," he sighed, turning around and facing her, "It's me... I can't seem to stop loving you."_

"_What?" was all she could say, to perplexed to think of anything else but she didn't have time to say anything else because he was standing in front of her in the blink of an eye, his lips capturing hers a couple of seconds later and while she knew that this was wrong, she also knew that she had missed his touch for six long years. Closing her eyes she let him kiss her, she allowed his kiss to erase some of the loneliness that she had felt in the last six years of her life. He pulled back after a couple of minutes._

"_This is wrong," he told her, resting his forehead against hers. "But I can't seem to stop, I keep missing you," he admitted and his green eyes looked at her with so much love in them that she had to blink back her tears._

"_I keep missing you too," was the last thing she told him before his lips descended on hers again and the hours that followed were a blur. They knew that they could never erase six years of hurting and heartbreak in one night but they tried. In those few hours they tried with all the passion and desperation that they had been hiding for so long now._

_Afterwards they were lying in her bed, her head on his chest, finding the place where she would always lay down her head when they were still together. He just held her, tracing patterns on her back until he sighed and she knew that their bubble was broken. _

"_I should go," he told her. "Maddie is waiting for me and I promised DJ that I would take her to the zoo today."_

_She smiled a bit, trying to keep her tears inside._

"_She's a beautiful kid," she said to him and he smiled the proud smile of a father. "She is," he agreed._

_They looked at each other in silent understanding, knowing that this could never happen again because it wasn't fair for either one of them or the people involved._

_He was already dressed and ready to go when her voice stopped him._

"_I will always love you, Warrick," she told him and he stopped briefly, looking back at her shortly, before he walked out of the room._

_She turned around and grabbed her pillow, allowing herself to cry while she could still smell him on her sheets and then he was back, kissing her in a desperate way before he pulled back._

"_I'll always love you too, Sara" he whispered in her ear before he disappeared out of her bed room and she smiled with tears still rolling down her cheeks._

* * *

Sitting here now Sara still didn't comprehend why he came to her after six years of separation.

"Did you sense that something bad was coming, Rick?" she asked out loud and for a moment she could almost hear his reply in her head, saw him roll his eyes and laugh at her silly question and she missed him so much that it was almost unbearable.

"I'm sorry," she whispered while she lowered her own rose on his grave, a red one since she knew that red had been his favorite color. He used to love the color on her. "I'm sorry for wasting six years of my life that I should have spend with you," she continued. Her hand touched her stomach and she smiled a sad smile.

"I promise to take good care of our baby," she told him, having known that she was pregnant for a couple of days now. "I just wish you would have known," she cried, "I wish I had the chance to tell you."

* * *

_Flashback, 3 days earlier_

_Sara was pacing in the locker room, her stomach in knots. They had been idiots and irresponsible morans but she had never thought about protection and now she was pregnant with his child. She was only a couple of weeks along but he needed to know the truth and they needed to find a solution. She was keeping this baby but she needed him to know what they had created together. She looked at her watch, wondering what kept him so long since shift had been over an hour ago. When the door opened she jumped up._

"_Warrick?" she asked and Nick shook his head, tears in his eyes._

"_What's wrong?" she asked him, a feeling of dread coming over her and Nick answered her question, shattering her world._

"_Rick has been shot, Sar. The suspect was still on the scene and he shot him."_

"_Is he ok?" she demanded to know. "Tell me that he's ok, Nick!" she said again, panic in her voice and her eyes wide with shock and worry._

"_He died on his way to the hospital," Nick choked out, really crying now. "I'm sorry, Sara. I know how much you loved him."_

"_No," she whispered. "No, no, no," she said like a mantra and when Nick reached out and held her she let him, repeating herself over and over. To shocked to even cry. _

* * *

In the cemetery Sara stood up, giving the place where he would find his eternal peace one last look. She was leaving Las Vegas, this city would never be the same for her and people would know. They would know once she was showing, they would see it once the baby was born and she couldn't do that to him. She didn't want to betray his memory like that. What they had shared that night was theirs alone and his family didn't need to be hurt by it.

"I'll always love you, Warrick," she told him one last time, wishing that she had made a different choice six years earlier. "I'm so sorry," she cried, knowing that she would never make it up to him. She sighed and turned around, heading for her car to find a home for their unborn child where it would be safe and where she could raise their baby in memory of him, the father it would never know.

Walking away from his grave she turned around one last time, "Goodbye, Warrick," she whispered while looking up to the sky, hoping that he would hear her somehow and when she stepped further away from him she realized that she was leaving her heart here with him. Forever.

The End.


End file.
